


Break My Fall

by Krit



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, Headcanon, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Not book compliant, Parabatai Feels, Schizophrenia, show canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2020-11-24 10:58:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20906537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krit/pseuds/Krit
Summary: Jace :Back in Idris, you knew my mom, right? I know she killed herself. But before that, her medical records say she exhibited symptoms of psychosis. Was she... was she confused? Did she... forget how she got places?Luke :Well, sometimes it seemed like that. She'd talk to herself... see things and people who weren't there.Jace :Wasn't there anything anyone could do for her?Luke :We tried to get her to go to the Silent Brothers, but she refused. She was afraid they'd declare her unfit for duty. We did what we could on our own, but... nothing seemed to make a difference. ... - ... I know it must be hard for you... to think about your mother and what she went through. But she was an amazing person who helped create another amazing person. So don't forget to hang on to the good.





	1. Chapter 1

Maia dragged the overstuffed garbage bags out the back door of the bar and tossed them into the dumpster. It had been a busy night. A sixteen hour shift, three fights, a burst pipe, a broken tap, and every man in Brooklyn over the age of sixty seemed to really want to see how much they could sexually harass her before she physically assaulted them. She was exhausted, and frustrated, and she just wanted to go home and go to bed.

As she made her way back to the door, a low pitched whimper caught her ear. She could smell distress and fear coming from the other side of the dumpster. The predator in the back of her mind stood at attention, but her alpha instincts to protect her pack pushed ahead of it. She knew that scent. Sharp and bright. There were only two people in the world that smelled like that. Like ozone, and adamas, with something sweet and ancient; orange blossoms and honey. And only one of them carried that constant whiff of pain. But it was stronger than usual tonight. Moving slowly, she made her way to the other side of the dumpster, and saw her best friend sitting on the ground, his knees pressed to his chest, and his hands over his ears.

“Jace?” She called out, softly but firmly. “What’s wrong?” He didn’t even seem to register the sound of her voice. “Jace.” She bit out his name firmly. If he was having a panic attack, softness wasn’t going to pull him out of it. Lost in his own mind, he only responded to a firm hand and direct orders. When he still didn’t respond, she growled quietly to herself. She hated having to resort to this. “Jonathan, look at me!” She barked out sharply.

His head snapped up, his hands falling to his knees. He looked at her, but his eyes didn’t have the clear attentive focus that they usually had when she pulled that particular card. Instead, he looked confused. Like he didn’t quite recognize her. His face looked so young, like it always did when he let his mask fall. A sad and scared little boy, tired of pretending to be brave. She crouched down in front of him. “Jace. I need you to tell me what’s wrong.” He cocked his head, his eyes drifting around the alley, like he didn’t know where he was.

“I don’t... I didn’t... I...” he squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “They won’t stop. Won’t leave me alone.” He mumbled. “Fucking liars.”

Maia took his face in her hands, trying to get him to look her in the eye. “Who?” She asked, keeping her voice steady. She had a feeling she already knew the answer.

“I don’t know. I can’t see them. But they won’t shut up. They keep saying...” He shook his head again. “They’re wrong. I know they’re wrong.” He murmured, almost to himself.

Maia took a deep breath and nodded slowly, weighing her options. If they went to the institute, even Alec couldn’t avoid an official record of what was going on. And she knew how Shadowhunters handled mental health. Jace wouldn’t want her to risk him being declared _unfit_. She wasn’t completely sure what that meant, but she had a feeling it wasn’t good. She could take him to Alec and Magnus’ loft. But she wasn’t sure what kind of experience Magnus had in this arena, and Alec would just spiral into a black hole of neurotic frustration. Taking a deep breath, she made up her mind.

“Okay. Can you stand? Come on. Stand up with me.” She grasped his hands tightly and pulled him to his feet. He wavered a little, but stayed upright. “Let’s go see your mom, okay?” 

~*~

When Luke let them into his apartment, Maia could see the sad resignation on his and Maryse’s faces. But where Luke looked exhausted, Maryse looked determined. Maia didn’t know her very well yet, but she had seen that look on both elder Lightwood children more than a few times. Maryse pulled Jace close by his shoulders and tilted her head, trying to catch his eyes.

“Sweetheart? Can you look at me?” Maia almost chuckled. She knew that tone of voice, too. Soft and gentle, but hard and sharp underneath. Was there any aspect of Alec and Izzy that they didn’t inherit from their mother?

When Jace finally looked Maryse in the eye, her frown deepened at whatever she saw there. “Do you know where you are?” She asked quietly. Jace opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to speak, but unable to answer her question. “Okay.” She reassured him. “Who am I?”

His face relaxed slightly as his eyes began to water. “Mom.” The word sounded like it forced its way out of him. Desperate and relieved, and so very scared. His eyes screwed shut again and he shook his head. “Yes she is!” He muttered angrily. “She-is-she-is-she-is!” His voice was quiet and hysterical, like he was trying to convince himself as well as whatever cruel voice was whispering at him in the back of his head. His eyes flew open and he reached up to take Maryse’s hands in his own. “You are.” He said firmly.

She nodded and squeezed his hands. “That’s right, sweetheart.”

“They won’t shut up!” He cried weakly. “I can’t make them stop.”

“I know.” She whispered. “It’s okay.” She kissed his knuckles and pulled him toward the hallway. “Let’s get you to bed. You’ll get some rest, and we’ll tackle this in the morning.”

As soon as the door to the guest bedroom shut, Maia sat down hard on the couch, burying her face in her hands and groaning loudly. “Fuuuuuuuck!” She announced.

Luke sighed and sat next to her. “Yeah.” He agreed softly, letting out a weary sigh. “Here we go again.” He muttered.

“So, it _is_ the same, then? Jace told me what you told him about his mom. It was like this?”

Luke nodded. “Thank you for bringing him here. Maryse was always good with Celine. And she knows Jace better than most. She’s got this.”

“He needs help.”

“I know... Magnus has a friend. A Silent Brother. An old friend of Jace’s family. I wonder if he might be willing to treat him off the record.”

Maia nodded. Brother Zachariah had approached Jace at the wedding, and told him if he ever needed anything... Luke was probably right. “He’s tough.” She said quietly. “He’s survived so much. Personally, I think the guy’s had enough, and the universe needs to back the fuck off, because seriously, now it’s just getting ridiculous...!” She growled and took a few deep breaths. “But he’s always made it through. For better or worse. He’s not

as broken as he thinks he is.”

Luke chuckled humorlessly. “What makes you so sure?”

Maia gave him a crooked smile. “Because he’s like me. Me, Magnus, Maryse...” she waved her hand in the air lazily. “_You_. Different shades of the same thing. Pain, trauma, grief, rage, self loathing, guilt... All wrapped up in desperate need to just...” she sighed. “Be more than what the world made us. And protect the people we love from ever going through what we have.”

From the other room, Maia could make out Maryse’s voice singing in French, and Jace’s voice answering shakily in English. “We do the best we can with what we’ve got.” Maia mused, leaning over and resting her head on Luke’s shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her, squeezing gently.

“You did good tonight. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks dad.” She murmured, her eyes fluttering closed. She didn’t even try to fight the feeling of drifting off to sleep. It had been a long day. 


	2. Chapter 2

Jace picked at the hangnail on his thumb, staring at it with a laser focus, refusing to look up at the Silent Brother sitting in front of him.

_“I understand that this isn’t easy.”_

“You understand.” Jace muttered, exhaling harshly through his nose. “What exactly do you think you understand?” The bite of his words was softened by the exhaustion in his voice. He felt drained. Empty. Hollow. Like he was echoing inside himself.

_“That your life has never been easy. That you have had to fight to survive, every step of the way. And I understand having to fight your own mind and body. And losing that fight.”_

Jace looked up sharply, finally staring into those soulful, caring eyes. His left eye was brown, like Jace’s, only a few shades darker. And instead of blue, the right eye was silver. He stared back at him, face soft and kind. It was painful. That much compassion focused on him so openly, with no expectation.

Jace didn’t move. Didn’t breathe. Didn’t blink. When he was a child, he noticed that his father never blinked. He used to practice in front of the bathroom mirror, eyes stinging as he forced himself to keep them open as long as he could.

He stared at Brother Zachariah. Jem, he was told he could call him. His great-great-great-grandfather’s parabatai. That meant something, apparently. He wondered, if he ever became immortal, would he be so invested in the Lightwood bloodline? He didn’t have to think on it long, of course he would.

He waited for the voices to come. To tell him that the Lightwoods weren’t his family. To tell him that he was nothing. To tell him that he-

He shook his head quickly, squeezing his eyes shut. The voices were quiet.

“They’re gone now.” He murmured, looking down at his hands again, clenching and unclenching them, wishing he had his stele to occupy them and burn the anxious tension inside of him. “I’m just... tired.”

“_The mind is unpredictable. All we can do is navigate it as best we can._” Jem reaches out and placed his hand on top of Jace’s, stilling them. “_The most important thing to remember, is that you are not alone. There are always those who will fight by your side. Who will help you find your way when you are lost._”

“Maia found me. I knew... I think... I just remember... I didn’t know where I was... and I had to get somewhere safe. And I kept moving. And then she found me.” He sighed, eyes closing. “I’m so tired.” His voice was barely a whisper, he almost couldn’t even hear himself. “But I’m afraid. That when I wake up, the voices will be back. That I’ll be confused again. That something will happen.”

“_And your family will be there to help you_.”

~*~

When Jace finally returned to the institute, the sun was setting, and there was a bottle of pills in his hand that Catarina had given him after speaking with him and Jem. He was supposed to take them every day, and meet with them again in a week. Maryse‘s hand was form and steady on his shoulder, guiding him home.

Alec didn’t say a word at first. Just rushed to him and gathered him in his arms, holding tight, as if Jace would disappear if he let go.

“I’m sorry.” Jace whimpered. He hated feeling like this. Raw and exposed. His walls and masks gone. Only himself, laid bare for everyone to see. He never wanted anyone to see him like this. Vulnerable. Weak.

** _It’s who you are._ **

Jacelet out a broken sound. No. No no no... He didn’t realize he was saying the word out loud until Alec was pulling back, hands gripping Jace’s arms tightly, face worried. Scared.

** _You’re no good to them now. He’ll leave you. You’re dangerous. A liability. He’ll realize he never should’ve bound himself to you in the first place._ **

“Stop!” Jace begged weakly. His eyes squeezed shut. Alec let go of his arms, and the cry that left his mouth was desperate and wounded. “Please don’t leave me!” He was shaking. Tentative hands touched his arms again. Slid up to hold his shoulders. A forehead pressed to his. Through the fear, his mind latched on to the smell of sandalwood and leather.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Alec’s strong gentle voice cut through the haze. “I’ve got you. I’ll take care of you.”

** _You’re a burden._ **

“You’re my brother.”

** _You’re not his real brother. You have no real family._ **

“I love you.”

** _You’ll destroy him._ **

~*~

Bright burning white light sent a jolt of pain through Jace’s head, and he let out a sharp cry, pressing his hands to his eyes.

“I’m sorry!” Alec gasped out. Jace could hear him turn the main lights back off.

“Leave the lamp on by the bookshelf?” Jace asked. He pulled his hands away and opened his eyes. The room was dark again, a soft orange and yellow glow spreading from the corner, just enough to see by.

Alec got him ready for bed. Jace would’ve felt humiliated being handled like a child, helped into fresh pajamas, toothbrush prepped and handed to him. But he was so tired, the world so hazy, none of it would get done if he was left to do it himself.

Alec’s hands were warm and familiar, and he kept saying quiet little words of comfort. His touch and his voice keeping Jace grounded.

He sighed happily when Alec took a brush to his hair, gently working out the tangles, and rubbing the buzzed nape of his neck when he was done.

“Come on.” He said softly, kissing the top of his head. “Into bed.” He pushed him gently forward, keeping a hand on him as Jace slid under the covers. “Do you want me to stay or give you some space?”

Jace opened his mouth, but couldn’t form the words. He squeezed Alec’s wrist, tugging his hand towards him.

“Okay.” Alec whispered. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Jace closed his eyes, his breath finally evening out when Alec’s arms wrapped around him, holding him close. Jace pressed his face to Alec’s chest, his fingers gripping the back of his shirt, clinging to him. His anchor. His home. His soul.

** _You’re nothing. He’ll leave you. You don’t deserve-_ **

Soft, warbling singing began to sound over the cruel hissing in his head. Jace smiled weakly at the familiar lullaby. The only French Alec could speak, no matter how much Jace tried to teach him more.

“She told me last night.” He whispered.

Alec stopped singing and ran gentle fingers through Jace’s hair, brushing it away from his face. “Who told you what?”

“Maryse.” Jace took a shaky breath. “The lullaby. She told me where she learned it.”

“Where?” The three of them had always wondered. Maryse’s family was based out of South America. All the other songs she sang were in Spanish. A few in Portuguese that Robert would sing along with. Their lullaby was the only French they’d ever heard from her, other than a few phrases when talking to Jace.

“My mother used to sing it to you when you were a baby.” Jace told him, remembering Maryse’s story from the night before. “When you were born, your mom knew a lot of songs, but didn’t know any actual lullabies. Céline didn’t know any either. So she wrote one. She taught it to Maryse and they would both sing it to you all the time.”

** _Before you came along. Before you took her from them. Ruined everything. They were better off without you._ **

He shuddered, and Alec held him tighter. “You see? We’ve always been family.”

He began to sing again, and Jace focused on his voice, and nothing else. Safe, and warm, he finally drifted to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

They settled into something of a routine. Jace would text Alec every morning, and give him a number from one to five. One meant he was completely lucid and feeling fine. Two meant he was feeling a little off, but could go about his day as normal. Three meant he was feeling confused or scared. Four meant the voices and shadows were back. Five or no reply meant that Alec came to the institute to assess the situation further.   
  
Days were usually a one or two. He went about his work. Rumors and gossip threaded through the institute as they were wont to do. But the general understanding was that Jace’s health had become temperamental, and that he often wasn’t feeling well. People made their own assumptions, but they all knew that if Jace seemed off, to get one of his teammates. It worked well enough.   
  
Jace had worried that people would lose faith and respect for him. But the thing was, it was the opposite. Sure, some of them were assholes, but the majority were supportive. Most of the institute realized or assumed that his condition was mental, not physical. And somehow, that seemed to translate better. He was a warrior, and he wasn’t going to stop fighting.   
  
“Herondale?”  
  
Jace jumped and looked around, his eyes landing on... Was it Holly? Mary?..... what was her name? He knew her. He recognized her. He’d been in the field with her. Annie?  
  
“Can’t decide?” She asked, cocking her head, her face relaxed and friendly.   
  
“What?” His voice was cracked and raspy. Had he spoken to anyone today? She pointed to the side at the table covered with bowls of fruit that he’d been staring at for...... when did he come to the cafeteria? “Oh. Yeah. Breakfast.”  
  
Concern flashed over her face before she cleared her throat, putting her smile back in place. “Lunch.” She said casually. “You’ve been in the library all day. All that research must be exhausting. I say go with the pineapples and grab a club sandwich. Get your energy back.”  
  
She reached up slowly and grasped his upper arm gently. The touch cleared some of the fog in his head. Gave him something to anchor to. Something real.   
  
“Right. Yeah. Thanks. For that.” He forced a weak smile on his face and nodded. When he turned back to the table and grabbed his food, she gave his arm a squeeze and walked away.   
  
He had barely sat down, when Izzy appeared at the table, sitting across from him. She didn’t bother trying to make up some excuse for being there. Jace knew that someone had told her where he was and that he was off kilter. Probably Tracy. Carey? Lucy. It was gonna bug him all day.   
  
“What’s up, big brother?”   
  
“I think I got lost.” Jace murmured, staring at his food. “I was here, and then...”  
  
“Gimme a number.” She prompted gently.   
  
“Um.... two and a half?” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m not... I just can’t....” he squeezed his eyes shut, “focus.” He whispered. “It’s like.... I’m here but I’m not here? I’m okay, but I’m just...”  
  
“Out of it?” She offered. He let out a small exhale that was almost a chuckle.   
  
“Yeah, kinda.” He ate a piece of pineapple, staring at the food in front of him again. Willing himself to register it as real. Tangible. He put his hand on the table and it was cold against his skin. He looked up at Izzy. She was there. She was smiling at him. But she was also... it was as if he was just imagining her. He saw her there and it didn’t feel real. Like she wasn’t there. Or more like he wasn’t there. Like everything else was real, and he was the one that was... wrong. “Am I really here?” He whispered, staring at her and through her. Past her into the room. A million things in front of him that he just couldn’t connect to. “Am I a ghost?”  
  
Izzy got up and moved to the seat next to him. She placed one hand on his and the other on his cheek, turning his head to face her.   
  
“You’re here.” She told him softly. “You’re real, and you’re here, and you’re alive.” She rubbed her thumbs over his knuckles and his cheekbones, giving him something to focus on.   
  
“Thanks, Iz.” He whispered. “I’m okay. Really. But, um. I think I’m done with work for today.”  
  
“Okay.” She carded her fingers through his hair. “Alec is probably gonna be in his office all day, if you want to hang out in there. Clary’s drawing in her room. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone right now.”  
  
Jace nodded. That was something he definitely agreed with.   
  
“I was thinking I might go down to mom’s shop.”  
  
“That’s a good idea.” Izzy kissed his cheek. “Finish your lunch first.” She pulled her hands away, but stayed next to him, telling him all about her latest project as he ate.   
  
When he left the institute, she walked with him. She didn’t pretend that she wasn’t only joining him for the sake of not letting him make the walk by himself. There was a part of him that wanted to bristle at the idea of being treated like a child. He didn’t need his hand held. But Izzy holding his hand felt nice.   
  
It didn’t feel like she didn’t trust him to talk a walk by himself. It felt like she knew he was having a bad day, and didn’t want him to be alone.   
  
It didn’t feel smothering. It felt supportive.

**Author's Note:**

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